I find that the way people deal with anger in relationships lie on a spectrum. People on the far left of this spectrum desperately try to avoid the heat of conflicts by being silent while people on the far right just love to add fuel to the fire by going on and on about how their significant other is wrong. With that said, the middle of this spectrum is really where you want to aim at. You need to be able to properly communicate your feelings and thoughts while also listening to and being understanding of your other partner’s feelings and thoughts. This blog post is separated into two parts to give advice for both the far left and far right types of fighters.
For the left side:
A lot of the times when I get asked for advice, it’s usually about how they are unhappy about something their significant other is doing and what they should do to make them stop or fix whatever it is that’s bothering them. With so many long distance relationship bloggers writing about how communication is key, you’d think that other people in long distance relationships would get that the simple solution to fixing their predicament is to just talk to their significant others about what the problem is.
However, some people are afraid of conflict or just hate it in general. When people come to me or other people in long distance relationships and are asking repetitive questions of what they should do, they’re looking for any other solution to the problem that doesn’t require them to directly communicate and have that difficult conversation. When things get heated, they either use the good ol’ silent treatment when they’re upset or angry or always let their significant other have their way to just end the argument right then and there
Bottling up your feelings or completely shutting yourself out does more harm than good to not only your relationship, but to your well-being. From experience, all those ugly feelings you keep inside will find their way out somehow one day and the wrath unleashed will definitely not be pretty.
So, please don’t be too passive when you know your significant other does something wrong or if you disagree with something they do or say. Don’t think that by standing up for yourself and opening up about your anger, you’re somehow going to upset your significant other so much that they’re going to leave you (And if they do, then they are totally not worth it!). Your feelings and views are just as important as theirs.
For the right side:
On the opposite side, wrath can really cloud some people’s vision which causes them to say some hurtful words or make some bold accusations. It can be difficult to be rational when you’re upset. You forget to be understanding of your significant other or of the distance because all you can feel is anger and hurt.
If you have trouble controlling your anger, you most likely find yourself running your mouth during conflict. I think what people forget when people say “communication is key” is that it includes being able to listen and understand. It is great that you are not afraid to confront your significant other and open up about your feelings, but how you confront them is very important. Do you confront them in a mature and calm way or do you attack them with full blown rage and hurtful accusations? Also what’s very important is how you react to when your significant other confronts you about something. Do you immediately get defensive and start angrily blurting things that completely devalues your significant other’s feelings?
Bottom line is to try to stay calm and don’t do or say anything that you will regret later on when all your wrath has gone away. You need to realize that both of you aren’t perfect. They will mess up from time to time and so will you. Learn when to take responsibility and when to speak up.